Homecoming

Climbing back into the virtual world again after a looooong weekend with Master in RL. OMG it was amazing. I so needed to feel His presence with me physically. Near me. Inside me. Holding me... i belong there. with Him always. His. Owned. Possessed. And He knows it. i am so blessed (i hate that phrase, but it works) to have such an amazing Man in my life, not even considering the deeper bond W/we share.

So needless to say, this morning wasn't the best for me. i have a special spot near the end of the runway at the airport where i sit and wait for His flight to take off and i can have those few extra seconds with Him as i watch Him disappear. my car still smells like Him.  

i got back home with a heavy gloom. i'm glas i have my house back, but keep expecting to see Him here. Hear Him. Nothing. Callie (my kitty) feels it too. Still, i was excited to come back to SL and hope i wasn't forgotten. luckily, i wasn't. Mistress was there and grabbed me right off. It was so nice to have Her happy to see me. Even though i am going through withdrawals now in RL, i missed Her. Her passion. Her caring. Her firm tenderness.

After a brief stay, Mistress had to leave for RL, and SL was mine alone again. Not long after though i got an IM. my former mistress...

Without going into details, i would like to restate my vision of what this blog is and what my intentions are with it.

This is a place for me to express my feelings and thoughts.... anonymously, and share them with people who may be interested. Persons not wishing to hear my rambling are invited (and encouraged) to go elsewhere. As well, people who do not agree with my thoughts or feelings need to understand that they are exactly what i just stated; thoughts and feelings. To not agree with someone else's feeling is to invalidate it and the person expressing it. Period. This space is only therapeutic for me in that it provides a mirror for me to look in to reference where my head and heart were at the time something was posted. i have been very careful to maintain anonymity here and also to not analyze people whom i may encounter or have encountered, nor have i misspoken or even made unflattering statements about anyone. i didn't have any to make then and don't plan on having any in the future.

Welcome home, i guess.

Thanks

:/

 

The Girls

So much fun yesterday, and so Sweet too. Chi and Kat took me out to explore a sim that i have been wanting to check out (ChouChou... in the Destination Guide)). Aabsolutely beautiful place too! And being there with Mistress's girls was just incredible. No talk of kinky stuff. No discussion of anything beyond vanilla. Which is exactly what i need. i have been wanting to be with other submissives (or even kinky people with subbie tendencies) in normal social relationships. Just for the camaraderie and unstated understanding. Not having to feel self-conscious or judged. And what a great way to do to too. Kat has to poof eventually, but Chi stayed around and we talked for almost 2 hours! Such a sweet girl (and a cutie too).

Unfortunately, Mistress was kept at work and i didn't get to see Her. Apparently my g-talk was off too so I didn't get any offline messages from Her either. i feel bad that it was off... my tokon hud too, and can't help but feel as if i disappointed Her. She was wonderful about it and offered a suggestion to help me manage it. i guess all the new things will take some getting used to.

i had planned on working last night, but the show cancelled at the last minute and Master decided to give us all the night off. i don't think i heard one complaint about it either. He and i got to run back to His place later and just sit and talk and spend time together. i felt like i was at home in His arms. i cant wait for the non-pixelated version.

Teacher's Pet

i have been instructed to stay away from a dark post this time. And rightfully so. Not so much of a freakout yesterday, maybe just being overly sensitive and dead tired on top of it, but lets just say i am so very lucky to have an intuitive and caring Mistress... and Master.

The topic of poly play came up yesterday. For those of you that know me, you are probably giggling wickedly at the thought, but the fact is, i am really quite reluctant to share sometimes and yes, even a bit jealous. Even though i have no cause to be. i guess that's the "high maintenance" me coming out.

Mistress could tell and was so sweet about making sure i was alright. Loving and caring... i adore that. Balanced, of course, with all the rest. I talked to Master on my way to work in RL, and He could tell something was up also.

Can't hide anywhere i guess. *giggles wickedly*

On a brighter note, the day started out fantastic with Mistress. Simply taking control of me as She wished. Exactly what i need. Especially after a long night at work. Later, Mistress tried exposing me to more of her likes and it was actually a very fun scenario She went about to get me interested. Her schoolroom... Desks and chalkboard.... And me trying to be the attentive student. Maybe next time i'll rez an apple for the teacher. ;)

I won't even discuss the possibility of getting detention.

Little Things

Work was helacious last night. Busy even for us. But i felt good. Mostly. A lot of that coming from having a clear mind when i got to work.

Earlier i expressed some concern, not so much reservation, but mild worry about fitting into Mistress's household. i always do. Well, part of me writing here is so i cant hide from these thoughts. From the fears and even from the excitement... So i couldn't hide from this either. Mistress wouldn't let me.

I love that She reads this and hears me. Listens to me. And put me more at ease. i will still worry, of course, but its a learning process and i will find my place with her. i already am. She's putting there firmly.

Also, i spoke with my former yesterday.... Cordial and not confrontational at all. She really is a good lady, just a bad time and our differences were becoming more apparent. She said some sweet things and wished me well. It still saddens me. Hopefully we actually do remain friends.

And also that LH is taken care of.

In the meantime, i'm missing Master bad. i miss His touch... the caress of His voice on my soul... the scent of Him on my sheets..... on my skin.... the feel of being His...

Hers

i worry. Most of the time too much. It's one of those things i do well. Always so clinical. Hypothesis, thesis, antithesis. Isn't that the scientific process? Then replicate your results. Master always mumbles about it. And He is right. "Paralysis, by analysis."

So it's not unusual that i worry now. More so about the other girls in Mistress's household. All amazingly sweet. Drop dead gorgeous. Sexy and fun. i just worry about my role. My character. How i fit in. Whether my brand of submission is over the top and too much... Or maybe not enough?

i have heard it all before "Your kink is not my kink" and it's almost always followed by,"...and that's ok". Usually it is. Then again i have seen it create dissension, trouble, even work as a wedge between people. None of that is happening, of course. Not even in the slightest. And i don't feel any of it in the house. i have only met K once, and C a few times.... and played with them all for a bit. Yummy fun to say the least. That doesn't happen between a group in chaos. But i was reluctant to actually call Mistress, Mistress the other day in front of C. And then again in front of K. Not at all because i am self-conscious of it. Far from it. More so because i want to make sure i fit. Mistress is amazing. An educated and experienced Lady in her own right, and She is superb as a reader of personalities. Insightful and attentive. Yet i also know that while the rhythm of the house may be great, all of a sudden drop some relatively high protocol, trained submissive girl in the mix with a bag full of crazy toys and a sex drive making the jump to light speed.... Well, i'm sure the implications are apparent. It worked with Lo... Amazingly. i worried then too.

On the other hand.... Mistress today was incredible. She is so generous and picking up things She wishes me to have (which makes me crazy because i am more than comfortable in sl and can afford to do anything i wish or She wishes for me) and did some picking out for me today. i love creating my outfits for Her to help set the scene for Her. i see it as part of my "service" to Her, but i also love to be dressed and given given a direction to go in. She does that amazingly well. Following that.... She took command of me at the apartment. i fell right into it. i only hope my emoting was alright for Her and satisfied Her. my entire focus was there with Her in making Her moment.

Worry or not... This is where i need to be.

Even Good Girls Need It

Mistress has a habit (a yummy one too) of keeping count of the times i may have said or done something, unwittingly, of course, that needs a little therapeutic spanking to correct.

so, i made a little somehting to help Her.



i'm thinking i want this in rl too ;)


Totaly clickable and the numbers change. JH thinks i should sell them in sl *lol*

It's hanging in the apartment now.... Outside the playroom, of course ;)

Slow Burn

2 days before, Mistress asked me to accompany her to an event she had been invited to. i was floored! Of course i wanted to go, and wasn't going to let anything stop me. She was taking me out! i am used to feeling like, as Lo once said, nothing more than a bauble. Which is fun sometimes i will admit, but this was different. It wasn't a club. It wasn't some sex place to go stand around and look at each other while listening to mind-numbingly bad music. It was an art/concert event that She was invited to. Friends... Associates... People She knows and know Her. i was thrilled to say the least.

Immediately i set out to finding the right outfit. i found something suitable. A slightly bohemian thing that was still revealingly sexy without being revealingly slutty and luckily, She loved it. Something was missing though... Something i needed for me and to give to her.

i finally found it. And am now wearing my new collar, locked in place, my Master and my Mistress the only people allowed access. i love it!

 i know i am glowing. Disgustingly so. But it's something i have needed for a long time and am enjoying and don't plan on changing anytime soon as long as i can help it.

Take this little conversation i had with a subbie friend as a case in point:

[2012/02/16 15:39]  ES: i hope in am not interrupting, smiles we can talk another time:)
[2012/02/16 15:40]  Kristi Dorchester: Shes's with me now
[2012/02/16 15:40]  Kristi Dorchester: amazing lady
[2012/02/16 15:40]  Kristi Dorchester: perfect for me
[2012/02/16 15:40]  ES: congratulation, hugggs
[2012/02/16 15:40]  ES: why is she so amazing?
[2012/02/16 15:43]  Kristi Dorchester: shes just everything i could have wanted

During a convo later that day Mistress thanked me for "Making my rl better and my sl great".

i am still glowing.

When it Rains it Pours

i've been dancing more and more at The Whisky. i love that place so much and the people there simply amaze me. From the staff to the musicians to the people who drop in. And i am so proud to work in a place that everyone loves. i have never been much into this whole concept of "family" in sl. i have a family and, quite frankly, they are more than enough. But, its true about the closeness of friends becoming family. D the DJ called me his "little sister" the other day and i about started to weep i was so touched. Yes, it's sl, but we feel it. Thats why we are here.

On the dancefloor at The Whisky

And feeling is precisely what i am doing with Mistress. She brings me to life. i started to feel bad because of my reaction and how strongly its taken hold of me. Mainly it was feeling guilty over my feelings now and Master being in sl too. He and i talked about it for a long time and i disclosed to Him how i was with sl and rl and the sl/rl crossover. my sl will never compromise sl. It cant. He told me He's been curious and watching, but also knows that i need this dimension too. i ache when He is away. Not the good kind of ache either. I crave His touch and His voice caressing me. Soothing me. Empowering me. i needed to reaffirm that to Him. My Master. My love.

i hate to use the phrase, but it applies here; i am blessed to have such an amazing Man in my life.

"SL is another dimension of the same self we are in the flesh," He tells me. "People who flip burgers dream of being astronauts, and astronauts dream of being cowboys. What matters is where their hearts are and in what world it beats."

Always the professor.

But i needed that. Especially considering He just started seeing someone in sl. Not sure i feel too ok with it (yes, a total double-standard), but i have to know that the security i feel for U/us is the same that He feels. O/our connection is so deep that i DO feel Him.

i just miss Him.

Your Mileage May Vary

From zero to 60 so fast! i had begun to think i would never find what it was i was searching for in sl. i even discussed it with Master and asked if my expectations were too high. "You're only limited by your own limitations, " is what He always tells me. Now, for the first time, i am believing it applies to sl also.

i have been in a constant state of arousal in sl since i met Mistress (notice i am actually saying "Mistress" now :) ) and it increases every day. Even my friends have noticed. Master has noticed too. And i appear to have some inspiration again. i began taking photos and being creative once more. Her interests have something to do with it. Even the more lascivious ones.... Who am i kidding? Especially the more lascivious ones. Putting together outfits that i hope she finds alluring. Taking photos to give her... And one came out so well even i was stunned by it (the one on the header of the blog). i surprised Mistress with it and She put it up in Her home immediately! my big ass now meters high in her living room! Granted, its a a nice ass, but still. i was as embarrassed as i am honored to be there.

And the times She has me.... Delicious. So direct and so graceful that i can feel my emotions so clearly with Her. i can feel her touch. i come alive. i could feel the embarrassment hot under my flesh when She had me on Her knee... Totally exposed... And one of Her other girls came into the house (sooo amazing). But She is Her role totally and put me at ease without letting me use it as an escape. Perfect!

What i want and what i need.... Both lives. Nearly seamless.

i'm a happy girl :)

Waiting

The Trial

In just this short week i feel more alive in sl than i have in years. Not do to any fault of anyone... Perhaps just chemistry. Perhaps the rhythms are right. In any case, it's working. All of it.

As in my previous post, my time with Her was amazing. And we discussed it nearly all afternoon the next day. The feelings. The emotions. The meanings. For the first time outside of my rl, i honestly feel that what is going on is real. W/we shared it all. O/our stories and O/our concerns. None of it casting a shadow on whats unfurling for U/us. i even explained in detail about my rl with Master.

And despite all of my complications.... She asked me!

i am Hers now. i am the property of Mistress Jopy!

Thats a little premature, it's a trial period, but i don't plan on approaching it any differently than what i know. my commitment. my immersion. my dedication. Body, Mind, Emotion and Spirit as Master says.

It's all moving so fast.... But moving down such a beautiful path.

Freedom Captured

i am free of Miss. Totally. Emotionally uninvested. i withdrew that some time ago. Several times. I would voice my issues (respectfully) and she would soothe me and i wouldn't ever stand up for myself until i felt the resentment grow. It was almost a game. Yet in the last few days, i have been talked to more, and more attention paid to me than i have in the past 6 months. I feel a bit self-conscious about it. In a great way. She talks to me. Asks questions. i feel She cares and is interested. And i am in Her. So it want a big deal for Her to ask me to prowl through my logs and find a conversation that was a little steamy to me. If its one thing i have learned in my time on the end of the leash, its that all Dom/mes (the good ones anyway) know subs are closet exhibitionists. That and they love to see you squirm.

i found one for Her. Not a particularly enlightening one, but a sexy talk with a pseudo-Domme at one of the clubs i was hanging out in earlier in the week. One where she tried to put the moves on pretty heavy. It would have been fun for the afternoon and not much else. But, its the one i sent.... a few good emotes. That's about all i thought it was.

What was nice is that She asked me to set up a messenger account so W/we could talk offline. And W/we did for a bit... Eventually meeting inworld. What went on was both a total shock to me and a delicious introduction to Her. Inside and out.

Without going into details, the scene She crafted was exquisite. And whats more.... i didn't realize until well after that She set me up the day before. i'm good. But she bested me without me even knowing it. And i loved every stinging, blushing second of it. Swatted.... Groped.... Exposed.... Cuffed and questioned.

She's everything i could hope for!

Tea Time

The teahouse has always been mindnumbing in a lot of ways. i enjoy it in that i don't have to put up with much there, but thats part of the problem. Nothing much happens there.

Until last Thursday.

Standing around explaining to yet another person that because my kink doesn't agree with them does not make it wrong, bad, or evil, my messages lit up. A cute hello. Of course, i had to look and see who it was first (always the superficial one). And there She was. Beautiful. Elegant. Standing out from the crowd and standing right near me. It's so funny how you can still react like a schoolgirl in a pixilated place, but She does that.

i tried my best to keep my cool, but it was difficult. i wanted to go home with Her right then and there. Still reeling from having left Miss, i knew it wasn't best. And throwing myself wantonly at Her was not even in the realm of possibility. She isn't one who simple rolls around for a while. She exuded something entirely different. Captivating to me. Completely.

We talked for a long time. Casually. The dance commencing. And made plans to talk later. I couldn't wait. My mind was buzzing with possibilities.

No wonder i need to be tied up and gagged so often. ;)

Trouble arrives in a limo

A Fresh Start...

i wasn't really looking at all. Maybe some playtime, maybe some down time. Or, as Master calls it, "getting my freak on". Any of them would apply.

The last few months were tumultuous, to say the least. I loved being with Miss, and adored Lo, her other girl and partner. Miss was stylish and sophisticated and she had her ways about her. Then again, don't we all. Perhaps that was the issue. i know what i want because i know what i can offer. And that just wasn't being fulfilled or used that way it could be. There is no doubt Miss enjoyed me. But i do think i was too much. Then, her admission to me that whatever intimate time in the digital environment took place just didn't thrill her...

There is nothing wrong with that. Not at all. But for me, and what i invest, it's a part of me. Especially with Master being gone so much in real life...

Too much whining. i'm above whining. i know better. And besides, someone happened into my life i am ecstatic to have there... Or rather, be there for.

The Scene of the Crime

I'm finally starting a new chapeter in my life, albeit my Second Life. Still, its about time i actually got back to basics and did what i know, and have been taught is right. it's not that difficult really. Especially since the process has been made so much easier having someone ot guide me in this SL whom i feel i can trust and share and learn from. Cathartic in its own right, so why not dive in and display it forHer to see the inner workings of Her new toy.

And Him too... Because without Him, none of this would be possible. RL or SL.

This is one lucky girl and happy to be along the path with two such wonderful People to guide me.